Alright folks, buckle up because we're about to dive into one of the most humbling and simultaneously hilarious moments in 2026's gaming scene. Imagine this: you've spent countless hours, maybe even days, bashing your head against a wall trying to beat Malenia, Blade of Miquella in Elden Ring. You've learned her moveset, you've tried a hundred different builds, and you finally, finally clutch that victory... only to find out a literal goldfish has done the same thing. Yeah, you read that right. A creature with a memory span of about three seconds has accomplished what had you screaming into your pillow. Let's talk about PointCrow's legendary goldfish, Tortellini, and how this aquatic gamer put us all to shame.

The Setup: How Does a Fish Even Play a Video Game? 🤔

First, let's get the technical jargon out of the way. This wasn't magic (though it might as well be). During a legendary Twitch stream, PointCrow hooked up Tortellini's tank to a custom interface. They used some seriously clever "goldfish code" that mapped the tank into a grid of inputs. Basically, as Tortellini swam around its home, it was unknowingly pressing buttons in Elden Ring. Every little swim over a specific zone could translate to an attack, a dodge roll, a heal, or movement. The fish wasn't playing with intention; it was playing with pure, unadulterated, beautiful chaos. And against all odds, that chaos worked.

Now, before you think Tortellini had to navigate the entire Lands Between, let's be clear. The team used the Elden Ring Boss Arena mod. This genius mod allows players to jump straight into boss fights without traversing the open world. I mean, can you imagine a goldfish trying to figure out Torrent, the spectral steed, or avoiding those pesky giant crabs? So, PointCrow curated Tortellini's journey, selecting which demigods and horrors it would face.

The Fish's Resume: From Godrick to the Goddess of Rot 🏆

Let's look at this champion's track record. It's more impressive than my first playthrough, I'll tell you that much.

• Soldier of Godrick: The tutorial boss. Consider this the goldfish's warm-up. Nailed it. 🐟✅

• Margit, the Fell Omen: The first major skill check for most Tarnished. Tortellini swam through it. At this point, it was already better than roughly 9% of players who never got past him, according to achievement stats. 🤯

• Godrick the Grafted: The lord of Stormveil Castle, with all those creepy arms. Defeated. This fish was officially more accomplished than 16% of the player base. Let that sink in.

• Malenia, Blade of Miquella (Phase 1): The main event. The boss that has broken controllers and spirits worldwide. In a marathon session lasting over five and a half hours, Tortellini, through a series of random swims, managed to deplete the health bar of one of gaming's most infamous bosses. The fish did what took me three hours of concentrated effort.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the goldfish's prowess compared to the global player base:

Boss	Tortellini's Status	% of Players Beaten (Est.)
Soldier of Godrick	✅ DEFEATED	~99%
Margit, the Fell Omen	✅ DEFEATED	91%
Godrick the Grafted	✅ DEFEATED	84%
Malenia (Phase 1)	✅ DEFEATED	???
Malenia (Phase 2)	❌ NOT YET...	43%

The most mind-blowing part? This was all RNG. Pure luck. The fish wasn't learning patterns or reacting to the Waterfowl Dance. It was just... being a fish. And it worked. It somehow managed to attack, heal, and dodge at just the right moments to survive. The law of large numbers in action, I guess!

The Aftermath: What Does This Mean for Us? 😭

So, a goldfish has beaten Malenia's first phase. Let's unpack the emotional damage.

1. We Are All Clowns: Remember when "Let Me Solo Her" made us feel inadequate? That was just the warm-up act. Now we have an animal with a brain the size of a pea achieving gaming glory. The collective ego of the Elden Ring community has been shattered.

2. The Power of Randomness: This experiment is a hilarious testament to the fact that sometimes, against certain bosses, a strategy of "just keep swinging" can work. It's not optimal, it's not pretty, but given enough time and attempts, even random inputs can win. It's the ultimate anti-git-gud argument.

3. The Legacy of Tortellini: As of now, the second phase—where Malenia sprouts those gorgeous, deadly scarlet wings—remains unconquered by our piscine hero. But think about it: if Tortellini can clutch that victory, it will officially be better at Elden Ring than nearly half of all players. A creature that doesn't know what a video game is could be in the top 50th percentile. That's the funniest timeline imaginable.

We have to pretend, for our own sanity, that we're all being outclassed by a pet. It's much more fun than accepting that maybe, just maybe, persistence (even blind, aquatic persistence) is the real key to victory in the Lands Between.

PointCrow promised an edited YouTube video of the entire saga, and let me tell you, it's required viewing. It's a masterpiece of patience, absurdity, and humble pie. So the next time you get stuck on a boss, just ask yourself: "What would Tortellini do?" And then maybe take a break, because if a goldfish can do it, so can you. Probably. 🐟✨